Photo by Letizia Bordoni on Unsplash
raised up
squashed down
in a world full
of blame, shame & resentment
a place
or twenty
where guilt & envy run free
swallowing us whole.
blindly bouncing around in our fragile bubbles
not hearing popping around us
dying, drying disappearing lights
focused instead on the shiny bright
bigger, newer, must have it all
be it all
can do it all
Bullshit.
Yes. It has been months since I’ve said anything here. I mentioned changes… lots have happened in life, little here. So let the writing resume. First a disclosure- I am Queer. I have been an “out” member of the central Ohio community for 20+ years. I use the pronouns she & hers and I also identify as Dyke and Lesbian… as I’ve grown into them. More about that another time.
Dear white hetero-normative (straight) readers, this is where I ask you to take it in, learn, and discuss among yourselves. Take what you learn and spread it far and wide in your own community. If you’re NOT a GLBTQ+ person or a person of color (PoC) the particulars of this is NOT your lane for commenting. In other words, take the education and don’t comment on what some call “in-fighting”. We are not “sides” as one straight-identified woman said earlier. We are a family with millions of members across the globe, and like any family, we have our difficulties and disagreements. Thanks for not swerving. And stay the hell out of my oxford commas too, I like them. 😉
For anyone who didn’t know, Philadelphia added two stripes to their pride flag this year…
Philadelphia’s amended LGBT pride flag
Source: Kordan N Kaleb/Facebook
At it’s worst this is merely a display of inclusion, and at it’s best it’s a promise to center black and brown folx in the QTBLG+ fight for equality. Yes, there are lots of opinions, and only time will tell. Yes, those letters are “backwards”. Because Rev. Dr. Valerie Bridgeman asks us to be as disruptive in our thinking as possible.
PoC folx in cities across the country stood up at Pride marches this year, demanding recognition and inclusion. In our town, protesters were seeking 7 minutes of silence- one for each bullet that struck Philando Castile. You might remember his name. He’s the man killed on a fb live stream by a cop during a traffic stop… in front of both girlfriend and 4 year old. This protest – this call for awareness – less than 24 hours after the shooter’s acquittal, led to four arrests, the resignation of Lori Gum, Pride Festival Coordinator and Program from Stonewall Columbus, and upheaval within our community. According to their fb page, “Stonewall Columbus is reaching out to the larger community to ask for their involvement in a critical dialogue about racism and homophobia on July 17, 6:30 – 8 p.m. at the Columbus Health Department, 240 Parsons Avenue.”
Intention is not Impact and Conversation is not Action
Okay, now that you’re up to date on what’s happening, take a moment to stretch, wiggle, check in with your body. Hydrate, put your feet on the ground, breathe in love… pee, whatever you need to do… if you need some herstory on Stonewall you know where google is. I’ll wait…
Good job. We have to remember that self care isn’t self-ish, it’s self-love. It’s a marathon not a sprint and all that jazz. The rev-o-love-tion needs us all in for the long haul.
How do we move forward? What can we do to make real, sustainable change in our community? What changes need to be made? So many more questions, so few answers. Conversations are the first step, and today, 100+ folx gathered together at Summit on 16th United Methodist Church to take that step and face some difficult conversations. The room was full of nervousness, defensiveness, confusion, and other stuff as people willingly shared their experiences, thoughts, feelings and vulnerability trying to sort out what happened at Pride and how that leaves our community. People of all skin tones were brave enough to admit their complicity in racism, to look at their own parts in the machine that is the racist system we all live under. Because that’s the thing folx, we are ALL in the same boat here.
The first step to overcoming racism is to recognize.
Let me repeat myself. The first step to overcoming racism is to recognize that we are all born into systemic racism. Here’s how racism shows up in our lives across institutions and society: wealth gap, employment, housing discrimination, government surveillance, incarceration, drug arrests, immigration arrests, infant mortality… don’t believe me? Research it yourself. Don’t want to see it? Even within the colorful alphabet soup family that we are, the shit is real. Racism exists. Not wanting to see it is a whole other and I understand… go read my post on rose-colored glasses.
Once you get step 1, really get it, unpacking racism gets much easier, I promise.
I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the ocean, but it’s one of my favorite places and favorite analogies for racism, thanks to Nedra Johnson. Now, some of you will want to hurl insults or acronyms at Nedra for some her unrelated opinions. Not here. I hold space for ALL of our complexities. White folx, my dear skin-kin, we are the snorkler in this story. Even as we are marginalized for being QTBLG+. Even when we want to be a big fish. We are still the snorkler. We still have skin privilege. And some of us have class privilege.
Check in time. How are you feeling in your body? What do you need in this moment? Do you need to stretch, to pause, or to plow on?
The next step is all about laying it down. Let Go… of the guilt. defensiveness. fear of doing and/saying the wrong thing. All of it.
One of the unpacking racism stories I share comes from the first YWCA Fireside Chat I attended. I will never forget hearing Suzanne Roberts easily say “I am a racist.” I was instantly filled with big tears, and a huge desire for the liberation that was clearly apparent with the ability to own that shit. It became my mission to let go of all the ego-related bullshit that was holding me back from the change I so wanted and needed. That the world needed. Needs.
What’s holding you back? Lay It Down
Lay it fucking down. Lay down your resistance. your guilt. your defensiveness. your fear. whatever it is that you need to let go of. Exercise your empathy muscle. Not sympathy. Empathy. Watch this for a brief refresher:
Step 2 = Listen. Keep listening.
Now that we’re working on letting go of that pesky defensiveness, step two is to listen. Actually, actively listen… to all the members of our community who feel like their voices aren’t being heard. Listen through all the emotions that come up and without all the ways that we whyte folx suppress PoC voices. It takes practice. Keep at it.
Step 3 = See. Everyone. As Human.
I know… I know that your initial reaction to that involves a scrunched up face and some side-eye. Trust me though, for most of us, this is still a thing. And as much as I love technology and texting, I own that they impact how we see and treat each other. And then there’s the layers and layers and generations of slavery and racism. We are all hurting from the trauma and hurting each other. This wound needs to be cleaned out so that the healing can truly begin. Getting out the festering infection is vital, and the steps I’ve identified here are only the beginning. And an ongoing process until racism is eradicated. Step, rest, step, rest, step.
If you’ve made it this far you’re doing great. Here’s a treat and then we’ll do a quick review and call it done for the day…
Okay, it’s been a lot of reading and absorbing I know, especially if you clicked all the links. This post isn’t going anywhere so take your time and refer to it as you need.
You’ll fuck up, I promise. Be gentle with yourself and keep working on it. Like body awareness, it gets easier with practice.
Years ago my Grandfather told me I was too “too nice”. My reply at was something like that’s not possible. Nice is a word that had always been used to describe me. After a few years of consciously working with this, I still have some difficulty in detaching from “being nice”.
I like it when people are “nice”. Or I thought I did. Some years ago I got tired of fake and facades, and started actively inviting “real” into my life… and real is not always nice.
It’s so much better.
When I talk to some white people about racism, they tell me that I should be nice or that people won’t listen. When I’m called out on my own racism, I often wish it could be gentler. And yet, what I know is that sometimes it can’t.
The harsh reality is that we live in a systemically racist culture that benefits whites. We inherited a horrible mess that still needs addressed. There are generations of indigenous people, people of color, and white people who are struggling with deep pain. Sometimes in order to heal, you have to rip off the scab.
So no, I can’t always be nice.
I will always be me.
…and share what I’m learning with all the love in my heart.
This weekend was a Celebration of Amoja ThreeRivers life, love and legacy. Thistle Pettersen recently wrote an article about Amoja over at Feminist Current. Check it out, grab your BOC (beverage of choice) and come back…
In order to even begin to appreciate the depth and breadth of today’s Ceremony and of this Celebration of Life, you would really benefit from a understanding of our beloved Michfest. Go on, we’ll wait.
As Gretchen Phillips wrote in the Village Voice, “I’ve always used Mich as a place to charge my batteries for the rest of the year, planning my life around being there in August and learning my lessons, both fun and hard.” For sure. These sisters are real. They can hold some space and tell you what it is… because they love you enough… and that shit can hurt. it can feel embarrassing. and it can feel liberating.
skin cracked wide open
deep gaping wounds exposed
healing begins anew
Part of the re-charging with Michfest Sisters included smiles… the kind that light up entire faces, belly shaking laughs, deep eye contact, heart connections, and hugs. Ohhh… the hugs. I loved experiencing AND watching hugs at Michfest. They came with incredible smiles (did I mention those?). They came from far and wide around the globe. They often came running through the ferns. Michfest changed my life. It’s not the focus today though. Nor is it the backdrop. It’s the foundation.
Because of Michfest, a common thread in today’s remembrances was “Amoja changed my life.” Another common thread was “Because Amoja changed my life, I am able to change others’ lives.” I am one of many women who shared similar words. Amoja’s book Cultural Etiquette: A Guide for the Well-Intentioned changed my life. Changes my life every time I work with it. I say work with it and not just read it, because reading is really not enough. Unpacking and dismantling racism is an ongoing journey that requires action… shifting of ideas, attitudes and behaviors. A willingness to look at my whiteness every fucking day and see when/where my racist self shows up. Because it does. Regularly, even though I don’t want that to be true.
Getting to that place of willingness is not only the first step, it’s a step that requires revisiting… again and again. Even those among us with the most experience unpacking racism, classism, ableism and all the -isms sometimes have to breathe deeply into the discomfort of looking at our own good intentions gone awry. For many, the challenge can be too much. The defensiveness and the walls take over and people shut down. Walk away.
I’ve been there. I get it. Sometimes I want to. And I guess I could… even as an out lesbian, I move about pretty easily and safely in this world as a European-American, and I can choose to ignore racism if I want because it “doesn’t effect me”. The thing is… it effects us all. The one human race needs to heal from generations and generations of transgressions. The wounds are there festering. Many of us feel it, and are afraid to look. I know it’s scary… and the festering is icky & gross… we’ll get through it… together.
I have always believed that love is a verb. Amoja taught me that white is a verb.
I know better now, and so I do better now. ❤
My life has changed Amoja.
Thanks to you and those who’ve been sharing your words.
Keep changing the world.
It’s true, the book is currently out of print so you can’t buy it right now. You can, however, attend or host a reading of the book through Cultural Etiquette Project.
Thanks for reading. Take space. Breathe. Meditate. ❤ Let me know what you think.
rain drops on window panes
car tires rolling down the road
quiet deepening with the night
a fine time to write…
Twice I’ve had the honor of hearing James White speak of his goal to eradicate racism in his lifetime. This past week I had the honor of hearing Jane Elliott speak about eradicating racism as well. In the one-hour keynote she laid out so many gems I can’t even begin to remember them all. I can tell you I have a new list of books to read (leave a comment if you want to know more) and a few beauties to share with you now…
There’s no Golden Rule. You know the one… “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It’s a bullshit rule. Maybe people don’t want to be treated the way you want to be treated. If you haven’t already, consider upgrading to the Platinum Rule. “Treat others the way they want to be treated.”
There is one race… human. All else is a myth. Since there’s only one race, words like “inter-racial” or “multi-racial” aren’t accurate. Use the word mosaic instead.
Stop thinking of the US as a “melting pot” and start thinking of it as a “stir-fry”. The unique flavors and textures are what make the dish good!
What shines brightest among the gems is when Jane passionately shares that she won’t tolerate her family members being treated “that way”. You know the way… the way Blacks in America are treated. If you’re feeling a little push back inside right now, ask yourself if you would trade lives with a Black person in the US. Most likely the answer is no. Has that defensiveness started to settle down a bit? Good, let’s keep going then.
Most likely you’re someone who doesn’t consider yourself racist. Newsflash for those who haven’t been paying attention or are just joining us: If you’re White, you’re racist because you benefit from the racist system we have in place. We’ll talk more about that again later, I promise. Work with, play sports with, hang out with or date people of color? You can still be racist. 😉
Maybe you’re someone who has considered yourself an ally to people of color. There are lots of reasons not to assume that identity but the one I want to talk about right now is a mind shift. I want you to shift your focus from being an ally to being a family member. We’re more likely to allow an ally to be killed in a battle than a family member.
And make no mistake, as much I wish it were otherwise,
this is a battle. For human lives and dignity.
Be a good family member.
Invite people of color for a meal, ask them about their dreams, support their love and growth, defend their honor and their lives. Look them in the eyes and truly listen to their stories and their hearts. Being a good family member isn’t always easy. It is always worth it.
When we share our humanity and our vulnerability, we expand love in the world. When we see our neighbors as family, we will stop tolerating the violence.
Together we CAN change the world.
Previously on this blog we’ve talked about increasing awareness, over-coming fear, looking deep, and painful micro-aggressions. Today we’re talking about our good hearts, trees and connections. Yes, you read that right. Enjoy the journey…
I believe that most of us white people are well-intentioned. Those of us who say “I don’t see you as…. (Black, Asian, Latina, etc)”. Those of us who keep quiet when someone else says something racist or other-ist (like in my recent post). Those of us who call a person of color “exotic”. Maybe we don’t realize that these things are actually offensive and oppressive. Or we don’t know what to say, how to say something, or worry that we’ll say the wrong thing.
In learning more about the system of racism and in learning to accept the idea/fact that I am a racist, I have described myself as a “polite racist” as opposed to those I call “asshole racists”. I found myself feeling very defensive when called a racist. It was painful. And didn’t describe who I considered myself to be. I was a liberal queer woman who thought she had a clue about racism, and someone who values all life and all lives. I wasn’t calling people names. I hadn’t been raised in a family where that was common. To the best of my knowledge my family hadn’t owned slaves. I didn’t consciously discriminate against people of color.
And yet, I grew up in pretty much an all-white middle to upper-middle class world. My mom was raised on a hill of whiteness, where she has memories of calling the cops to get a cat out of a tree. Some men in my family told the occasional inappropriate joke. No one ever stopped them. One of my grandmothers had “Colored” women in to help at Christmas. The only Black classmate I had in 13 YEARS lasted 2 MONTHS in our all-white Catholic school.
Then I grew up, moved to another city… worked with people of color, made friends with people of color. Watched neighborhoods shift, white flight and gentrification happen. Heard about cellular memory and the impact of trauma on generations. Felt bad/terrible/sad about poverty, homelessness, racism, sexism, ableism, agism, rape, murder, mass incarceration, and on and on…
Experienced oppression. Did some social justice work. Became overwhelmed. Didn’t see how I could make a difference. Got involved in my own life… “tuned out” the “unpleasantries” of the world. Stopped watching the news. All the while, playing the “nice girl” role bred into so many of us.
Sound familiar? If so, watch this video. (Yes, again. We get something new each time we re-visit information… repetition is a key to learning after all.)
After you’ve watched the video or saved it for later, let’s talk trees. I know, I know… it’ll be alright I promise. And maybe, just maybe, it will make sense to you by the end…
When you look at trees, how often do you consider what’s under them? Their root systems are vast and may be as large as 2-7 times the size of the branches you see. Why are we talking about this? Because without those root systems, trees would not survive. There would be nothing to hold them strong against the weather, no way to absorb much needed minerals and nutrients from the ground. And then there’s the communication… 
Several years ago, forest ecologist Suzanne Simar and and her colleagues discovered that trees and plants communicate with each other through their underground ecosystem. An article on ecology.com about this says, “At the hub of a forest’s mycorrhizal network stand the “Mother Trees”. These are large, older trees that rise above the forest, a concept illustrated in the movie Avatar. These “Mother Trees” are connected to all the other trees in the forest by this network of fungal threads, and may manage the resources of the whole plant community. Simard’s latest research reveals that when a Mother Tree is cut down, the survival rate of the younger members of the forest is substantially diminished.”
Still wondering why we’re talking about this? Because trees and humans have a lot more in common than you may realize. We’re more connected to both trees and humans than we remember. Trust me on this. Much like the trees, we need our elders to teach us and nurture us. We as elders need to teach and nurture our young ones.
At last night’s Cultural Etiquette Project reading, one of the participants spoke a lot about empathy and our lack of it. How it’s “not there. It’s not present. America has just become closed to it. We’re just blind. We’re blind to homelessness, we walk by somebody laying on the street and we just have no empathy. It’s gone. It’s just not there. We lose that sense of connectedness, that empathy towards people. That’s the challenging thing. The world sends all these different ideas and thoughts to our children, but you know we have to sit down and think about, how does that make me feel? How can I get more involved in conversating with children about those things? And adults as well. Not just children, but adults as well. It really could make a big impact. Children look at what adults do, and what they teach them. Empathy, that’s a big thing, and I’m really learning that some people just don’t know how…. I’ve met many, many people who just don’t have it, and it’s shocking.”
I agree. I’ve met many people who don’t seem to really have or be able to express empathy. Brene Brown shares a great easy reminder of what it is in the video below. Watch and share.
Whew, we’ve gone down a long road today. We’ve looked at our past, our foundation, our old root system. We’ve heard about why being non-racist simply isn’t enough. We’ve touched on the importance of human connection and the need for empathy. AND we watched a fun easy reminder on the difference between empathy and sympathy. Let me leave you with this:
We have to SEE our privilege. We have to SPEAK out about injustice. We have to INTERRUPT racism. NOW. It’s past time. The trauma of past generations is within us, and the traumas created today will be within our children’s childrens’s children. We CAN make a difference.
Not sure where to begin? Attend a Cultural Etiquette Project event or host one in your area. Email CulturalEtiquetteProject@gmail.com for more information.
I’m starting this blog for several reasons, including my own sanity. You may think that’s a selfish (it’s not) or racist (it is) place to start given that I’m a white woman who’s going to write about race, bias, prejudice and our humanness. That’s absolutely okay, we each have our own viewpoint. Also, I know that self-care is the most important thing I can learn. And share.
While I need to write about these topics to help strengthen my education and to further wrap my brain around the exponential learning I’ve been doing about racism, there is a much bigger reason. People of Color are being killed every day for one reason… NOT being white. This is NOT acceptable to me and many other white people, and we need to start talking about it. And DOING something about it.
I have had the pleasure of hearing James White and Suzanne Roberts in safe conversations about race at the recent YWCA fireside chats, and James has shared his quest to eradicate racism in his lifetime. I’m here to tell you that it’s going to take white people to make any real change occur. You may not think you as an individual have that kind of power, and yet you do. We do.
What say you? Are you willing to look deep, really deep? To feel the pain of our Black & Brown sisters & brothers? To sit in the muck and work through your own emotional baggage to get the the real stuff? To look past your own feelings at the big picture of the racist system?
If you’re still reacting in the “not all white people” space, it’ll be okay I promise. Stay with me here. Take some deep breaths, and hang in there. As with every class I teach, I want to say hold on to what resonates and let the rest go. It may not be for you now. It’s not always going to be comfortable, but it’s always going to be worthwhile. Watch this video and then come back and visit anytime.
READ & HOLD THIS: Please share your thoughts and comments as respectfully as possible. Know that this means different things to different people. White folks, we need to breathe and listen… really hear, before we respond to People of Color sometimes. Remember that our words can hurt or heal, and it is too easy to do the former in an online format. Being hurt is NOT a reason to hurt someone else.
If you’re interested in more actively participating in anti-racist work, you can check out my resources page (coming soon!) and look for an organization such as Showing Up for Racial Justice.
writing while white 